Written March 2004

Song "Do You Love" by Natalie Imbruglia

Redemption. The word could be my middle name now... Yours too I guess. I know it’s been obsessing you too. I’ve been fighting and counting each and every demon in the purpose of finally getting there; being redeemed. But like I once was told and like I’ve told you too, it’s every day... and it never ends...
All this came back to my mind and you as well... Don’t mean I’d forgotten about you, you’re not the quickly forgotten type of person, but many things came back to my mind. We all make our own choices but I realized that somehow we don’t... Buffy and I are responsible in every one of the choices you made... I understand that now... Everything I didn’t want to know... back then.

You arrived in her life with all your hidden secrets, your hidden ghosts and heavy past... You never meant to show that, we saw a glimpse of it but I don’t think we opened our eyes wider to see it all. I was coming back to life and into her life as well; she had always been the only one in my mind, the only one I'd ever focused on... I didn’t even mention that your rage, your eagerness to off me on our first encounter wasn’t a classic slayer chasing vampire duty... There was much more but I didn’t care enough to wonder about it then...

**Child it's broke
And I feel you
Slipping away**

You felt you had a chance; another slayer, another supposedly tortured soul to share yours with but you fell down when you found out she was not scarred the same way... Her scars only came from me and she only meant to share her inner world with me... You tried to talk to get to know her better, to get closer because... what else could you do? She was the one. But then again, there was me, it broke everything for the both of you, I came back and you stopped trying...

**Child you spoke
And the world
Fell silent again**

She and I were in our own little world for a while, wondering about how and when and where and again... how we could be together, oblivious of everything else and I guess you were outside on your own, screwing your mind trying to forget you had it all in front of you but it still remained beyond your reach. Trying to forget that for once you needed someone.

**Do you love
Do you need love**

You avoided being with her when I was there and I admit I avoided meeting her where I knew you would be, I guess we somehow knew we both wanted the same thing, didn't we? But every time we happened to meet I felt a thousand of wavering vibes emanating from you, but I never said anything, not before it was too late anyway because I was too busy being jealous, and wondering about Buffy’s growing estrangement from the girl I used to know, and her growing closeness to the woman she would inevitably become... that wouldn't need me anymore. You were already crumbling, you were already beyond our world because that world hurt and you desperately needed Buffy to help you deal with it... She couldn’t yet. She didn’t... So you got over it all, over the world, over the rules, over the hurt... at least that’s what you thought.

**Child undone
By fear of falling
Through cracks**

But the world’s harshness always comes back on you, the more you try to hide from it the harder it catches up with you and you hurt, you hurt so bad and I know it wasn’t right, you didn’t choose all of this; this life you had at your birth and this new life that imposed itself upon you, you thought it would finally change your misery only to find out it was even harder now... But it didn’t have to be, you didn’t want to hurt anymore so you decided you didn’t have to... She didn’t follow you so you pushed her even further away than she already was stepping backwards. You pulled each other apart as far as you could from your closeness... It was too late to change anything.

**Child by one mistake
You've lost your way back**

But your mind remained obsessed with her, your heart remained in love with her and you tried everything to smash these feelings because they were your only salvation and wasn’t salvation too late?

**Do you love
(Something's gotta turn you round)**

You tried your best to erase any guilt, any love, any feeling that could get you hurt and when she finally made some move towards you, when I did too, you only ran further away. Trying to become the person you wanted to be, a person that wouldn’t hurt... But you still did, and it kept screwing your mind and pushing you further down that nasty spiral, like maybe one day you really wouldn’t care and then finally you wouldn’t hurt.

**Do you love
Do you need love
When your angels shout
Is your heart strung out
Do you love
Do you need love
When your angels fall
Have you lost it all**

You were spinning round and round, and stumbling and aching. And you were owed; owed the life you didn’t have, the life she did have, the life she refused to you. You had to be big, you had to be everything in her world and you were not... You became everything else... all the things she denied, all the things she had to fight to push away, you became the temptation she could not afford... The temptation she could only fight back... That’s the place you reached in her life, the place she needed to erase... The place she didn’t want to go to, she didn’t want to see, so then you finally were the most important thing because she would not stop until she’d stopped you because she couldn’t handle her reflection in your eyes. You created such a whirlwind in her convictions; you shook everything up and left us in the chaos. You didn’t know but you didn’t need that... You were already in her mind... always had been.

**Child be still
In the storm
To wave us goodbye**

The wheel keeps spinning... I hope I’ll never forget that myself either. Things never stay the same even when you’re immortal like me. I can only hope for the best, I can only hope for better days for you. And you do too. What else can we do? Go back to that downward spiral... Been there already and you didn’t like the taste of it, did you? You will keep it in you forever though but it’ll help remember you don’t want it again... It’ll help you get towards the sweeter taste... always ahead... One day you won’t look back in anger or with regrets again... One day you’ll look around you and realize you’re where you’re supposed to be.

**Child we will
Return to dance
With the sky**

Where she was is where you wanted to be. It’s where you should have always headed. I thought it would keep you on the right track but I didn’t check, and then I thought it would brought you back on that track when you slipped but I didn’t help you ask for her, I only stood in the way and you had already slipped long before, while our eyes were still closed.

**Do you love
(Something's gotta turn you round)**

But I know that you’re thinking about it, probably right now, probably every second of the day... You think about her... you think about the cries she never heard, you think about her held out hand you never took, you think about what you’ve never had, what you wanted so much and never got, but I know these thoughts are not chasing you away, not anymore. I know you’re accepting them now... Slowly they’re not hurting... Use them and heal, use them and survive...

**Do you love
Do you need love
When your angels shout
Is your heart strung out
Do you love
Do you need love
When your angels cry
Does your spirit die**

Bad, good, evil, right or wrong, it’s only words but the meaning is in your heart now. And she is in your mind, always, you’ve accepted it, you are accepting it every day and she’ll be the one reason why you’ll succeed... She’s the one reason why your life has a meaning, why you’re still fighting; why you’re still struggling to come back to the surface...

**Something's gotta turn you round
Something's gotta turn you round**

And I’m gonna be there now. I’ve been in that place where I’ve realized and accepted all of that and I will be able to help because I know what you feel and I won't fear it anymore, I’ll encourage it. I’ll support you and I’ll do my best to make you cling to her, cling to the fact that one day you’ll have a second chance. One day you’ll be close again, close to happiness and you won’t let it pass you by again, you’ll seize everything and you’ll deserve it. You’ll see the sun shining again and you’ll realize you’ve really found your place and I know... I know she’ll be in that place too... It’s a long journey for all of us but it all has a meaning. Once we’ll be done, we’ll understand why it was worth going on... We’ll find our responses...

**Do you love
Do you need love
Do you love
Do you need love**

THE END